I never really believed in keeping secrets. I always felt that it was a bit taxing to hold something inside, keeping it to yourself to rot your guts and manifest itself into something far worse, whether it be anger and rage or horrible depression. So, just for the fine people out there surfing the interweb, I would like to let you guys in on a bit of a secret I have been keeping for years. I am a superhero.
I am Shawn Striker.
Following in the footsteps of Clark Kent, I always believed that hiding in plain sight. I mean, it isn't like my costume was anything fancy and cryptic. Jeans and white t-shirts are actually more comfortable and much more conducive to fighting crime than a sweaty pair of tights and a cape. We have all seen the Incredibles. We have seen how well capes work out. And as for masks? Biiiiiiiitch pleeeeeeeeease. I would like a to take a page from Ray Charles and say "I can't see shit." Why would I blur my vision to keep some home burgler from seeing the rage in my eyes? I. Hate. Crime. And they should know it.
But just like any superhero, I do have a slew of supervillains I battle at every turn. Just like the Green Goblin to Spiderman, my archnemisis is none other than the Maniacal Meatball. With the powerful stench of rotten garlic and a meatball mace, there is not another more potent and aggitating villain I face. I have yet to figure you out, Meatball, but I do know this; you can only poop at your own home.
Of course, there are others, but they are of no threat any longer. There was the Sneaky Slit, using her powers of dastardly undercover shadiness to eliminate those in her way. There is the Perpetual High, whose skills destroying child psyche is unmached. There is VanMan, who lures middleschool girls into his Fortress of Mustache. And there is the most devious of them all, The Deity Embodied. Somehow, this foe, though imaginary, has been able to "move" millions of people, thus creating an ignorant but insanely loud army that now controls one of the most powerful nations in the world.
As for weaknesses, there are none. Simple as that. Other than stovetop stuffing, mountain dew, and chocolate. But honestly, how many of these villains would even carry these on hand? None. And that is why I am the most effective superhero. Ever.
So, move over Superman. Batman, you're not even really a superhero. Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Captain Marvel, FUCK YOU. There is only room for one superhero. Crowds will gather and have grand celebrations, throw parades and cook feasts for the greatest superhero of all time; Shawn Striker.
That's me.
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