Gainesville: The City of Dreams, Pizza In The Morning, and A Man Who Eats Sandwiches Like A Duck.

Being in bands for a good period of my life, there are a few cities that have actually given me stories. Gainesville, Fl is certainly one of them. There have been trips to this city that come to mind, specifically, which include a good number of our friends, a shitty hotel, music that does not match atmosphere, quotes from a retarded person, a man who swallows sandwiches whole, eventually the discovery of a Dairy Queen attached to a Mobil gas station, freezing cold toilets, a mysterious fog, and a few shitty demos. Welcome to Gainesville.

Let me start by saying that I hate the Gators. And the University of Phoenix.

And, here are some tidbits that may or may not give essence and life to the city that never drinks anything but Pabst;

-My first trip to Gainesville involved a band that had gone through a number of name changes. Earnhardt and Alliance where the two that I could remember, but finally, we settled on Total Recall. We had a few songs, and we needed to go record them somewhere, and Goldentone Studios was the place, so off we went. This included a trip in a minivan owned and driven by Matt Moment, with Mikey Hawkins, Tyler Trular, Tom Fuquay, and myself in tow. A motley crew, one might say. A band of misfits, maybe? A legion of dudes, yes?

So, we get to Gainesville with a pack of shitty equipment and 2 songs to record, burn, and distribute as an enterprise to punk rock. The guy recording us is apparently half serpent, because he is able to eat sandwiches like a snake. This man was somehow able to make a sandwich, unhinge his jaw, and swallow an entire lettuce-or-something-like-it sandwich. And while devouring this masterpiece, was able to record and mix for punk rock bands in his den.

We finish recording, all of us seem satisfied, and we pack up and leave. On our way out of this Gainesville Rock City, a mystical, and magical fog surrounds the entire outer limits. The fog is so thick that we have to resort to driving at 5 miles an hour in order not to run over any inebriated college party people. This continues for countless hours until we realize we are lost in the center of Florida, on a forest trail, surrounded by the mist. Once the mist clears, we realize that we are in the middle of what would be imagined in the Hills Have Eyes or Deliverance. On this dusty, off road highway, we stumbled into a community of rundown trailers, half of which had red, third reich flags flying in the windows. It reminded me of how the area between every major city in Florida usually involved a Klan rally.

-My second and third trips to Gainesville were marred by a she-devil trying to ruin my life with yelling and bad hair. The second trip started with finding out that I was going to be a dad, while the third trip involved much screaming and hatred. Either way, both trips began to run into each other, so I'll be giving tidbits from both combined.

There was a night in a hotel that smelled strongly of bleachy, chloriney sterilization. Unfortunately, it seemed that the entire room was coated in an oil that made everything horribly uncomfortable. All I can remember from that night was sleeping on the floor, Mike Andrews sleeping near the AC, Alexx being angry and someone snoring (I'm assuming Mike Andrews), Mikey crying about being afraid of the dark, and Justin having a tremendous beard.

After a horrible night's sleep, we woke up and decided that to cap off such a momentous event, we would have a feast fit for kings at the local Waffle House (which I will now never eat at any of these establishments due to a human feces event friends of mine encountered). Miserable and ready to drive home, we sat for breakfast at this dinky joint. Mike Andrews disappears for a bit, and when he finally sits back down, a song fills the room. Will Smith - Gettin' Jiggy Wit It. In a Waffle House. At 7A.M.

I believe there was another trip that involved Mikey getting mad (every trip with Mikey. Ever.). The question "What's for breakfast?" was answered by five 20 year olds agreeing on pizza at Leonardo's. This was followed by "Pizza!? In the morning?!" An accidental, angry commercial in the living room of Chad Smith's apartment.

-There was also the trip with A Game of You during December of 2005. Imagine being in the center of Florida during the winter. It's like standing in an icecube. And being in Gainesville is like being in a drunken college icecube. Either way, being in G-town with Andrew, Brad, Steve, Josh, Arthur, and again, Mike Andrews could be interesting. Apparently, the guy recording us does not believe in central heating during 25 dgree weather, so hoodies were passed around by all. At some point, I had to poop. Gross, yes. I wasn't able to sit down, because it was like trying to poop on an igloo toilet.

During recording, there were not lyrics, as far as I remember. There were parts with lyrics, but for the most part, there were rah rah raaaaaaahs here and there. If my memory serves me correctly, there were points where everyone in the room even said "just go rah rah rah here, and that should work." So, if you ever get a chance to listen to the A Game of You - Demo 2005, the lyric sheet is a series of raaaahs, grrrrrrrrs, and other gutteral, animal noises.

It's certainly an interesting place. Shows don't start until midnight. Leonardo's Pizza has awesome garlic knots. Watching a man eat like a duck and have crumbs hanging from his face while your singer's voice cracks like a boy hitting puberty can bring you much joy. But more importantly, there is a jukebox in a waffle house in the middle of a state that looks like a penis that will play Gettin' Jiggy Wit It at too early an hour, and make five or six 20 year old men giggle like babies.

God damn what a city.