Star Wars Has Made Your Life Infinitely Boring

Ok, so I'm a bit of a nerd. But as far as I am concerned, so is a good three quarters of the population of the world. You find me a person who is not a Star Wars fan, and I will be glad to show you my Roy Orbison tattoo. Whether you are a casual fan, or a mega fan, the difference doesn't matter. And for those of you who say "I don't like Star Wars," or "I've never seen it," I've got some news for you; whether you like it or not, you cannot deny that the Star Wars saga is the greatest story ever told. So fuck you, James Cameron.

But with all great things, there are complications. For a large number of the population, Star Wars has all but ruined every life it has touched. Ruined. A New Hope? Forget real hopes. I can explain why in a little list I've compiled to explain why your life will NEVER be as awesome as Star Wars;

1. There is not a single person in your life as smooth, charming, or ruggedly cool as Han Solo.

2. There is not a person in the world who hasn't gotten off to Carrie Fisher in a golden bikini.

3. The force is some crazy psychic entity that can be manipulated by an entire group of people called knights. You do not have the force.

4. Luke Skywalker has set an unbeatable record for "Zero to Hero" speed, proving it can be done, but you can't do it until your 20th high school reunion.

5. Obi Wan Kinobi is an awesome name, but anyone who calls themselves that in real life ends up with an insane wedgie.

6. Light Sabers do not exist.

7. You will never hear the words "That's no moon," during a full moon and it be true.

8. Wookies will never rip your arms off if they lose.

9. A gay droid will never call you master.

10. Your car, motorcycle, or any other vehicle will never be able to navigate the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

11. A tall, dark, and sinister man will not be chasing you in a large star destroyer in order to coerce you into joining him on the dark side, where the two of you can rule the galaxy as an empire of evil action and of such immense proportion that only the Hutts will be out of reach, although empire credits will be flowing into their pockets. Planets will not be destroyed. People will not be choked with invisible magic. And if you're kissing your sister, you live in Virginia, and are not on vacation on the forest moon of Endor.

So, I may apologize for destroying your life, but I'm pretty sure if you've ever seen a Star Wars movie, you've left with a dissappointed and empty feeling of unfulfillment and a lifetime of mediocre events that will never be as grandiose as Luke, Leia, or even C3P0, for that matter.

Slow Down, Honey (You're Killing Him)

"Be well-versed in everything,
and be free."
An old man said this to me once.
It followed a story of a woman he loved.
About how they'd met at a carnival.
And it ended with sin dripping from her claws.
I thought about that man later.
The detail in my memory became more exaggerated than I had remembered.
His wrinkles deeper.
His eyes more faded.
His heart heavy with years spent dying.
The bench we warmed tattered and rusted.
And I could see the hurt.
And I thought about the woman he pained for.
And I hated her.
I hated the way she made me feel for him.
And hated the way he thought about her after all these years.
And that more than anything, that man wanted to be free.
So he told anyone who would listen without giving away his story.
"Be well-versed in everything.
And be free."

Dreams Are Said To Be The Pathway To Thy True Self; I Am A Male Charlie's Angel

So, I've decided to start recording my dreams, because I have realized one thing. I am out of my mind. It is apparent in my dreams, and you will soon find out exactly why. There is a reason why I don't do drugs. There is a reason why I stay sober, because I'm pretty sure if there was ever a time I was high, I'd end up in some ward shaking in a corner, wondering how I got there and when I will be thrust into the world of outlandish dreams. So, here is the first dream I remember waking up to and going "what the fuck just happened?"

It starts off sitting in an office, much like Charlie's Angels, but instead of fine ladies, its me and two dudes. We're listening to some guy talk through a speakerbox (which, I am assuming is our boss). He hands down the assignment and we are out the door.

We then encounter the supervillian we are all trying to stop. I'm not sure what his plan is, but all I can tell is that he is Hans Gruber, and he has a devilish plan. It is then that he pulls his trap, which is a large cargo net like one would see in a cartoon, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze. This is where he unveils his plan;

"HAHA! I have in my possession the corpse of Axl Rose. Using this machine behind me, I will turn his corpse into the world's largest shark! And he will terrorize the seas with his renditions of Paradise City!"

At this point, I wake up. This is pretty much a common occurrence, so expect to hear many more sordid tales from my subconscious.

The Bangpiece

The relationship is a fluid, unpredictable, and completely ambiguous entity that plagues the entirety of the human race. What's worse is that men and women are completely different animals. The man in the relationship is oblivious, either forgetting or completely missing the needs of the female. The woman in the relationship expects the man to think like the woman, and this is just simply not possible.

So, in a world where relationships are as complicated as the Osmond family tree, there is a shining light for those who haven't found a person that compliments them entirely. There is a dessert that some may skip the main course for. For those lacking in love, there is an outlet that is like a junkie's fix, or the quencher of thirst.

This would be The Bangpiece.

Now, everyone has had a bangpiece, and if you haven't, then you're lying. Or you're a prude, and that is ok. Either way, the bangpiece is an integral part of a person's life. This is much more than the one night stand or the friend-with-benefits. The bangpiece is a continued, no-strings-attached sexual relationship where it is understood by both parties that under no circumstances will a normal relationship ever spawn. At the point of emotion, the bangpiece becomes null and void, and the relationship is thus disbanded.

Are there any real benefits to the bangpiece? Probably not. Does it replace the affection and emotion of a real relationship? Definitely not. But is it a good way to have completely robotic and emotionless sex? You betcha. There is no real moral benefit. There is no real spiritual benefit. The Bangpiece merely represents the animal nature of the human. It is the bro in all of us. It is something of mystery that is fresh and exciting to everyone.

So, if you've found your bangpiece, great. If you're still looking, you're one of three things; ugly, moral, or you suffer from a horrbile, societal disorder that keeps you from spotting and approaching a bangpiece. But much like the lochness monster, bigfoot, and other creatures of legend, the bangpiece is an elusive being, and once one is discovered, it doesn't manage to stay around for long. That, or you're hideously deformed. Yuck.

Growing Older In A Place Where Everything Is Supposed To Stay The Same

Here's the thing; whether you like it or not, the older you get, the more dead punk rock gets. And it isn't the scene itself. It's all you. You're the jaded asshole standing on the side of the stage, telling your friends "they were better when we were 16." And they were. And even though you're not old, these things aren't supposed to change.

And it isn't the band, either.

Theres a certain amount of jadedness that comes along with age in punk rock. Stage dives aren't nearly as awesome if you aren't doing them with your friends (although they are still great). Sing alongs are forever a staple in my youth, and I feel that they will continue well into my future. But no matter what, nothing will amount to seeing shows 7-8 years ago, where everyone would sing along.

Shows in Daytona used to be better than any city you could imagine. Whether there were 15 or 150 kids at a show, it wouldn't matter. Bands would make it a point to stop in Daytona, just because they would leave with some sordid tale of Daytona kid antics. In a later piece, I'll discuss the ridiculousness that was Springbreakdown (any year), Gay Biker Dude Crew, and the Night of Terror in Ponce Inlet.

So, am I too old to enjoy a good punk rock show? I'll say this; just the other night, I went and saw some of my favorite bands, and was not as moved as I used to be. Every band was great, and I got to hear every song I wanted to, but it wasn't the same. A week later, I one of the same bands, and I got goosebumps watching them. The fire is still there, that is for certain. But I have a feeling that I'll be one of those old men who tells tales of fantastical shows where boogie boards were used to crowd surf, and everyone wore painted handlebar mustaches.

"Let me tell you this story about a man who got naked and scared a bunch of young kids while playing music..."