Ok, so I'm a bit of a nerd. But as far as I am concerned, so is a good three quarters of the population of the world. You find me a person who is not a Star Wars fan, and I will be glad to show you my Roy Orbison tattoo. Whether you are a casual fan, or a mega fan, the difference doesn't matter. And for those of you who say "I don't like Star Wars," or "I've never seen it," I've got some news for you; whether you like it or not, you cannot deny that the Star Wars saga is the greatest story ever told. So fuck you, James Cameron.
But with all great things, there are complications. For a large number of the population, Star Wars has all but ruined every life it has touched. Ruined. A New Hope? Forget real hopes. I can explain why in a little list I've compiled to explain why your life will NEVER be as awesome as Star Wars;
1. There is not a single person in your life as smooth, charming, or ruggedly cool as Han Solo.
2. There is not a person in the world who hasn't gotten off to Carrie Fisher in a golden bikini.
3. The force is some crazy psychic entity that can be manipulated by an entire group of people called knights. You do not have the force.
4. Luke Skywalker has set an unbeatable record for "Zero to Hero" speed, proving it can be done, but you can't do it until your 20th high school reunion.
5. Obi Wan Kinobi is an awesome name, but anyone who calls themselves that in real life ends up with an insane wedgie.
6. Light Sabers do not exist.
7. You will never hear the words "That's no moon," during a full moon and it be true.
8. Wookies will never rip your arms off if they lose.
9. A gay droid will never call you master.
10. Your car, motorcycle, or any other vehicle will never be able to navigate the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
11. A tall, dark, and sinister man will not be chasing you in a large star destroyer in order to coerce you into joining him on the dark side, where the two of you can rule the galaxy as an empire of evil action and of such immense proportion that only the Hutts will be out of reach, although empire credits will be flowing into their pockets. Planets will not be destroyed. People will not be choked with invisible magic. And if you're kissing your sister, you live in Virginia, and are not on vacation on the forest moon of Endor.
So, I may apologize for destroying your life, but I'm pretty sure if you've ever seen a Star Wars movie, you've left with a dissappointed and empty feeling of unfulfillment and a lifetime of mediocre events that will never be as grandiose as Luke, Leia, or even C3P0, for that matter.
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