A Proposal Of More Interesting Penalties

Let me start off by saying this; I only support the death penalty in extreme cases. Rape, murder, child molestation, etc. are all crimes that to me are considered most heinous and can never be punished enough. I believe that Hammurabi was onto something with his initial code. With that being said, it is important to understand that there is a major flaw in our current system of capital punishment. The end result is not nearly frightening enough. So, in an attempt to make the death penalty something to be feared, I have but a few options that I will be including in a letter to my state government.

Option 1: R.P.P.R.P.

Here in Florida, we have a space program that billions of dollars are poured into. I find it absurd that there hasn't been a "Rocket Propelled Prisoner Relocation Program" developed. So, here I offer the R.P.P.R.P. This program will give the prisoner two separate options; either be fired into the sun, or fired to the furthest reaches of our solar system. I find this to be the finest solution I have to offer.

Option 2: The Prank Chair

The timeless form of capital punishment might be the electric chair, but there is no romanticism about it. This option gives the prisoner more of a guessing game when it comes time. The switch would operate on an entirely random rotation that would have a faulty switch. This would be like a psych-out that everyone would have a good laugh about. Gotcha!

Option 3: Thunderdome

This could be called a number of things (I find that Thunderdome has more of an effect than Mortal Kombat, etc.). This is exactly how it sounds; pit the prisoner against someone with a much higher skill set, so that the prisoner is at a great disadvantage. Provide the prisoner with no weapons and let them have at it. If the prisoner survives, they get a plaque or trophy of some sort. Maybe a mug that says "World's Greatest Thunderdomer."

Option 4: Story Time

This might be the worst of the three options. In this option, the prisoner is forced to read novel after novel of rather terrible authors. Danielle Steele, Janet Evanovich, Tom Patterson, and an assortment of other mediocre at best authors will offer their titles personally to these prisoners, and ask for a book report upon completion. This would be a life sentence. An alternative option would be having to watch episodes of Sally Jesse Raphael and Oprah in succession.

In the end, I find that these options are far more interesting and give a much greater incentive to keep from committing violent crimes. I will begin taking signatures for the petition I will be sending to the state as an initial proposal that will hopefully move on to larger government bodies. Thank you in advance.