The Aught Years: A Momentous Decade In Review

Since the 2000's were such a pivotal time in my life, I deem it necessary to look back and relive a decade of rollercoaster ups and downs. You may not like it. I may not like it. Does that really matter? The decade gave every person a different adventure, and this just happens to be the one I went on. Not to mention I hit more than one milestone birthday in these years. Since so much happened to me, I will try to highlight two major points from each year. 2006 might be a bit longer. So, lets begin.

2000: In the year 2000, I was finishing up 8th grade, and starting high school. At the time, all the people surrounding me were already talking about dropping out, starting to do drugs, and other teenage mistakes. I began separating myself from many of my middle school friends when I heard that a kid we hung out with slept with his brother's 400 pound, bedridden wife. Not sure if this is true, but I will carry that story with me.

At the start of my freshman year of high school, one of my best friends from middle school died. He saved a little girl from drowning, and gave his life to do so. Rashaad Worship is still missed.

2001: This is the end of my freshman year. I have been going to shows for the entire year now, and no matter the bands, I was there. So spring music fest comes around, and I meet a girl. This is my first real girlfriend, and I get excited. We date for 8 short months, and my heart is broken. First love. Blegh. This same year, this ex takes my virginity behind an abandoned movie theatre turned music venue after a show my first band (Dead End Dreams) plays with countless other bands, in my good friends 84 mustang. It was a good night.

This year was the year that I got my first bass guitar. A dark blue Ibanez GSR200. I still have this bass. I learned too many Linkin Park songs on it.

I also met Mike Andrews and Mikey Hawkins this year. Mikey hated me because he thought I called his girlfriend fat. What he missed was that I actually said "Mikey has fat eyebrows. Tweeze that shit." In high school, things get misconstrued. Now we're good friends. I wish Mike Andrews still had teal hair.

2002: This year, I meet my second serious girlfriend. This is where I later find out that she cheats on me with my first girlfriend. And my bad luck with women truly begins.

At this point, Dead End Dreams has disbanded, ridding the world of shitty Misfits ripoffs and songs about fucking dead pets. The world rejoices in peace. I then join a band that sounded like what I imagined Underoath to sound like at it's first practice sessions, sans keyboards. Virginia is for Lovers is born, and spreads "I Close My Eyes" and the XOXO EP throughout Central Florida.

At the later end of the year, I join A Game Of You, which began with strange car rides with a man I barely knew to a town I'd never been in to practice. This band was fun and loud. This band broke up in 2006.

2003: This is the beginning of my senior year. I meet my third serious girlfriend (who I am still good friends with). A car is stolen. My friends skate in Planet Smoothie. I believe that Brand New's Deja Entendu came out this year as well. This summer is the first of endless shitty b-movies rented from blockbuster. With titles like Nail Gun Massacre, Texas Chainsaw Hookers, Demonwarp, and Unmasked 25, the summer was certainly well spent.

This was also the first year of This Is For You Fest in Daytona Beach. There was no better way to end a year with acts like Good Clean Fun (covering Bohemian Rhapsody in a room full of mongoloids), Darkest Hour, Black Cross, Sex Positions, and countless other bands. This became a yearly trend until the last few years, but no amount of fun could be compared to the ridiculousness those three days would always bring.

2004: I graduate and start college. Of course, my list of friends is cut in half as people move away, stop talking, communicate through myspace, etc. It's kind of a bummer? But I always looked at it as trimming the fat.

This is another summer of stealing, poolhopping, random vandalism, amazing horror films, and genuine fun with friends. Party pizzas were had. I believe Austin almost killed himself jumping off the highest point of the Capri into a pool. This may have also been the year that we laid waste to Daytona Beach, screaming "BLOW JOBS" at random people walking on the beach, all while running as if following Sir William Wallace into battle.

Whats most important for me this year is that my brother and I actually stop fighting about stupid shit and start hanging out. He ended up surpassing me in coolness, as I take myself too seriously.

2005: For a long time, I marked this year as the peak and decline of the decade. Here is the series of events that explain this. Tara and I break up. I seek rebound. I get rebound pregnant, and spend the next year and a half wanting to smash my skull with another, much more solid and heavier skull. I spent hours figuring out how much better it would be pouring acid into open wounds than it would be to continue on the path I was on. It got "better."

This same year, A Game of You breaks up. Bummer, because we actually started writing good music and shared a storage unit with A Flock of Seagulls. At the same time, Years From Now starts, and it is fair to say that I have not had that much fun in a band. At one point, my dad found our CD in a Virgin Mega Store in New York. Pretty awesome if you ask me.

2006: This year is easily defined as the best and worst year for me, as it involves an intricate series of events that put me in the position I am in today. Here it is; I turn 21. Riley is born. I get married against my better judgement. Fight fight fight. Smash apartment. Hate life. Don't sleep. Quit job. Find a new job. Riley's mom leaves. There is some spillover into 2007 which includes the Department of Children and Families, Divorce Court, and custody battle, which is to say that 2007 actually began looking up.

Most of this year was a blur, caused by intense rage and depression. The only thing I can really remember from that year is Riley. I remember the day I saw her. I remember waking up with her every night. I remember being Mom and Dad, and loving every minute of it. And hating everything else.

2007: Despite shitty circumstances, things started to turn around for me this year. I met a girl who was pretty cool (who eventually cheated on me. My luck with women kicked in). I actually got a promotion that October, which helped my life balance out significantly. There was still some baby mama drama, but I began to see that I had the power to let that go, which made my life that much better.

I have also started back to school. I decided that after all the drama that I was going to better myself and my life, and understand where all that nonsense comes from. So be prepared for Dr. Spiker.

Keypoints for 2007: I meet a nice girl who I eventually marry. I was told she was gay, so I stopped pursuing her until she proposed to me. She is the yin to my yang. The peas to my carrots. The black to my white. (Thank you, Callista Berrios).I also begin to reconnect with my friends, who I had lost during 2006 due to control freak issues. I also meet new friends (John Park, Jessica Workinginger, Milissa Taube). What is most important is that I am able to smile at life, not just at Riley.

2008: I spend this year in a new place, with a new life. There is less drama. There is less worry. I have everything I need but more money, but I can care less because I am happy. There are some frustrations, but that is all part of life, and I have stopped sweating the small stuff. And I got married to a spicy latina/AZN lady.

Riley has gotten to a point where her personality is really starting to show. She dances, enjoys music, and has an odd sense of humor, but it is really great to see someone you've been taking care of their whole life begin to develop into a completely different person.

This same year, Years From Now comes to a close. We had a good run, but for the most part, there wasn't much more we could do. We had a final show where everyone wore white t-shirts. It was one of those years where someone either tears up from being so happy or from knowing that things aren't always so bad. That is how I felt that year.

2009: This last year has been normal. I have now begun a number of musical projects (Futures, Hero City, Rumors, and Limiter), and have finally been able to start collecting comic books. I'm reading every day, and I am less than a year away from completing my Bachelors degree. I will begin my Master's program in (10 in) 2010. And our wedding is going to be spectacular. Prepare yourselves, because I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

There you have it. Sorry it wasn't shorter, but it could have been much longer. I can't even think of anything else I could get into after all that, other than details details details. I will say this; this next decade is gonna be a doozy. I have a feeling the future is ours.

Here's to everything that lies ahead.

Star Wars Has Made Your Life Infinitely Boring

Ok, so I'm a bit of a nerd. But as far as I am concerned, so is a good three quarters of the population of the world. You find me a person who is not a Star Wars fan, and I will be glad to show you my Roy Orbison tattoo. Whether you are a casual fan, or a mega fan, the difference doesn't matter. And for those of you who say "I don't like Star Wars," or "I've never seen it," I've got some news for you; whether you like it or not, you cannot deny that the Star Wars saga is the greatest story ever told. So fuck you, James Cameron.

But with all great things, there are complications. For a large number of the population, Star Wars has all but ruined every life it has touched. Ruined. A New Hope? Forget real hopes. I can explain why in a little list I've compiled to explain why your life will NEVER be as awesome as Star Wars;

1. There is not a single person in your life as smooth, charming, or ruggedly cool as Han Solo.

2. There is not a person in the world who hasn't gotten off to Carrie Fisher in a golden bikini.

3. The force is some crazy psychic entity that can be manipulated by an entire group of people called knights. You do not have the force.

4. Luke Skywalker has set an unbeatable record for "Zero to Hero" speed, proving it can be done, but you can't do it until your 20th high school reunion.

5. Obi Wan Kinobi is an awesome name, but anyone who calls themselves that in real life ends up with an insane wedgie.

6. Light Sabers do not exist.

7. You will never hear the words "That's no moon," during a full moon and it be true.

8. Wookies will never rip your arms off if they lose.

9. A gay droid will never call you master.

10. Your car, motorcycle, or any other vehicle will never be able to navigate the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

11. A tall, dark, and sinister man will not be chasing you in a large star destroyer in order to coerce you into joining him on the dark side, where the two of you can rule the galaxy as an empire of evil action and of such immense proportion that only the Hutts will be out of reach, although empire credits will be flowing into their pockets. Planets will not be destroyed. People will not be choked with invisible magic. And if you're kissing your sister, you live in Virginia, and are not on vacation on the forest moon of Endor.

So, I may apologize for destroying your life, but I'm pretty sure if you've ever seen a Star Wars movie, you've left with a dissappointed and empty feeling of unfulfillment and a lifetime of mediocre events that will never be as grandiose as Luke, Leia, or even C3P0, for that matter.

Slow Down, Honey (You're Killing Him)

"Be well-versed in everything,
and be free."
An old man said this to me once.
It followed a story of a woman he loved.
About how they'd met at a carnival.
And it ended with sin dripping from her claws.
I thought about that man later.
The detail in my memory became more exaggerated than I had remembered.
His wrinkles deeper.
His eyes more faded.
His heart heavy with years spent dying.
The bench we warmed tattered and rusted.
And I could see the hurt.
And I thought about the woman he pained for.
And I hated her.
I hated the way she made me feel for him.
And hated the way he thought about her after all these years.
And that more than anything, that man wanted to be free.
So he told anyone who would listen without giving away his story.
"Be well-versed in everything.
And be free."

Dreams Are Said To Be The Pathway To Thy True Self; I Am A Male Charlie's Angel

So, I've decided to start recording my dreams, because I have realized one thing. I am out of my mind. It is apparent in my dreams, and you will soon find out exactly why. There is a reason why I don't do drugs. There is a reason why I stay sober, because I'm pretty sure if there was ever a time I was high, I'd end up in some ward shaking in a corner, wondering how I got there and when I will be thrust into the world of outlandish dreams. So, here is the first dream I remember waking up to and going "what the fuck just happened?"

It starts off sitting in an office, much like Charlie's Angels, but instead of fine ladies, its me and two dudes. We're listening to some guy talk through a speakerbox (which, I am assuming is our boss). He hands down the assignment and we are out the door.

We then encounter the supervillian we are all trying to stop. I'm not sure what his plan is, but all I can tell is that he is Hans Gruber, and he has a devilish plan. It is then that he pulls his trap, which is a large cargo net like one would see in a cartoon, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze. This is where he unveils his plan;

"HAHA! I have in my possession the corpse of Axl Rose. Using this machine behind me, I will turn his corpse into the world's largest shark! And he will terrorize the seas with his renditions of Paradise City!"

At this point, I wake up. This is pretty much a common occurrence, so expect to hear many more sordid tales from my subconscious.

The Bangpiece

The relationship is a fluid, unpredictable, and completely ambiguous entity that plagues the entirety of the human race. What's worse is that men and women are completely different animals. The man in the relationship is oblivious, either forgetting or completely missing the needs of the female. The woman in the relationship expects the man to think like the woman, and this is just simply not possible.

So, in a world where relationships are as complicated as the Osmond family tree, there is a shining light for those who haven't found a person that compliments them entirely. There is a dessert that some may skip the main course for. For those lacking in love, there is an outlet that is like a junkie's fix, or the quencher of thirst.

This would be The Bangpiece.

Now, everyone has had a bangpiece, and if you haven't, then you're lying. Or you're a prude, and that is ok. Either way, the bangpiece is an integral part of a person's life. This is much more than the one night stand or the friend-with-benefits. The bangpiece is a continued, no-strings-attached sexual relationship where it is understood by both parties that under no circumstances will a normal relationship ever spawn. At the point of emotion, the bangpiece becomes null and void, and the relationship is thus disbanded.

Are there any real benefits to the bangpiece? Probably not. Does it replace the affection and emotion of a real relationship? Definitely not. But is it a good way to have completely robotic and emotionless sex? You betcha. There is no real moral benefit. There is no real spiritual benefit. The Bangpiece merely represents the animal nature of the human. It is the bro in all of us. It is something of mystery that is fresh and exciting to everyone.

So, if you've found your bangpiece, great. If you're still looking, you're one of three things; ugly, moral, or you suffer from a horrbile, societal disorder that keeps you from spotting and approaching a bangpiece. But much like the lochness monster, bigfoot, and other creatures of legend, the bangpiece is an elusive being, and once one is discovered, it doesn't manage to stay around for long. That, or you're hideously deformed. Yuck.

Growing Older In A Place Where Everything Is Supposed To Stay The Same

Here's the thing; whether you like it or not, the older you get, the more dead punk rock gets. And it isn't the scene itself. It's all you. You're the jaded asshole standing on the side of the stage, telling your friends "they were better when we were 16." And they were. And even though you're not old, these things aren't supposed to change.

And it isn't the band, either.

Theres a certain amount of jadedness that comes along with age in punk rock. Stage dives aren't nearly as awesome if you aren't doing them with your friends (although they are still great). Sing alongs are forever a staple in my youth, and I feel that they will continue well into my future. But no matter what, nothing will amount to seeing shows 7-8 years ago, where everyone would sing along.

Shows in Daytona used to be better than any city you could imagine. Whether there were 15 or 150 kids at a show, it wouldn't matter. Bands would make it a point to stop in Daytona, just because they would leave with some sordid tale of Daytona kid antics. In a later piece, I'll discuss the ridiculousness that was Springbreakdown (any year), Gay Biker Dude Crew, and the Night of Terror in Ponce Inlet.

So, am I too old to enjoy a good punk rock show? I'll say this; just the other night, I went and saw some of my favorite bands, and was not as moved as I used to be. Every band was great, and I got to hear every song I wanted to, but it wasn't the same. A week later, I one of the same bands, and I got goosebumps watching them. The fire is still there, that is for certain. But I have a feeling that I'll be one of those old men who tells tales of fantastical shows where boogie boards were used to crowd surf, and everyone wore painted handlebar mustaches.

"Let me tell you this story about a man who got naked and scared a bunch of young kids while playing music..."

Comrade Profile Part 5; A Life Across The Hall From Mr. Spiker

There are few people who can say that they have decent relationships with their siblings. And for a long time I didn't. Spending three years as an only child, I never really grew out of that selfish phase, but I always had to deal with the fact that because I was older, I had to be a role model and be responsible. In other words, I had to be a big brother. So, then began the life of sharing and hanging out with someone who I had to be nice to. Weird concept, I know.

So, for the first few years, we shared a room. We had bunkbeds, which was always pretty cool. Our room was always trashed, and our parents always wanted us to clean up, but we didn't. I'm pretty sure we didn't see the carpet of that room for a good 6 years due to Ninja Turtle, Ghostbuster, and random McD's toys scattered in an uncomfortable version of broken glass. I'd say it was a pretty good setup.

But I got older, and that selfish older brother who suddenly became embarassed by everything kicked in. I wanted my own room. I opted to take the room across the hall, which was half the size of the shared room. But it was mine, and I stopped being roommates with the younger sibling who at the same time I started to quarrel with daily.

There were almost always fights about things kids fight about, which I realize now were entirely my fault. Jesse smashed my legos. That was because I had all the cool legos and left him with the pirates and cops, while the spacemen and underwater dudes ruled my army. I had the cool ninja turtles and their villains, while he got X-man who was missing one arm and Baxter Stockman, sans wings (although he almost always picked Mondo Gecko, who was a pretty sick character).

But even through these stupid fights about childish things, there was always a sense of pride I took in being a big brother. I believe if you asked a one David Valderama about his bloody nose, he can account for that. Whenever we would fight with the neighbor boys (who lived next door for a year, maybe), my brother was left out of the neighborhood fun. So, in standing up for him, I take a punch to the head, which leads to a one David Valderama getting his nose flattened, leaving the Spiker boys to rule the neighborhood.

Now we're adults, and in the last few years, through all the shit, Jesse has been a huge support. When I take myself too seriously, Jesse is there to knock me down a few pegs. And I would say that his newly discovered wit and charm would rival that of a Ryan Reynolds Van Wilder interpretation. I haven't been the best brother over the years, but no matter what, I'd say that Jesse has always been the kind of brother someone would want in their life.

So, I'm sorry for the shit, and I'm glad we're related, most of the time. I can be a dick, but you keep me in check. I'd tell you I'd love you, but after living a life across the hall from Mr. Spiker, I'd say that might be a bit "Mikeysexual."